A-Poorna Stree

We live in the modernized 21st-century, an era of lackless freedom of living! High technological advancements. Well furnished homes to live in. A significant number of humans to socialize around. But what about the degrading quality of our humanity? We are equipped with greater ends of the society, yet even today we are miserably failing to broaden our humane perception, especially towards the ‘pinned’ souls around us. 

To quote an instance, I lost my husband around 6 years ago. A few months after he passed away my friends invited me for a get-together. During one of the so-called typical traditional processions, I was completely sidelined. One of my friends came to me to apply haldi-kumkum and she immediately withdrew her hand. Another one just ignored me so badly as if I wasn’t present there. That day I realized I am no longer a woman, I’m just a widow! I started thinking that I knew all of them since my childhood and just because my husband is no longer alive they are treating me such. I was drenched in fear of how my 1-year-old son will be treated by our own society for not having a father beside him. I went through many sleepless nights and finally with a quest I started researching our customs and traditions being practiced over the generations.

While reading, I came across terms like Sati and Jauhar. Living in this era if you listen to these words, I am sure chills will pass down your veins..! Behen, kis jamane me jee rahi ho..?.would be the first reaction. But let me remind you, kuch nahi badla hai!

As per the myths by our societal customs and traditions, Sati was to be performed by a woman after the demise of her husband. It is said that Sati was the daughter to Daksha, granddaughter to Brahma, and a better half to Lord Shiva. Once Daksha wanted to perform a grand ceremony but he did not invite his son-in-law as he intended to humiliate him. Outraged by the insult, Sati invoked fire and was reduced to ashes. As per purāṇa, Sati was not a widow and she did not immolate herself on her husband’s funeral pyre. In fact, the origin of this lies as an act that was performed by Sati which means ‘Suttee’ or ‘Su-thi’ literally meaning a good woman. She enacted this to show her sincere affection and wifely devotion towards her husband. But the word ‘Sati’ was thereafter interpreted as ‘Sati-Pratha’ by the society as a voluntary or forced practice of setting oneself on the funeral pyre of the husband. How was it even related? A point to think about!

Sati was banned, but does a widow get all her rights ‘sati-sfied’, as a woman?? 

As per ‘Panchtatva’, i.e Earth, Water, Fire, Air, and Space, Fire is regarded as a symbol of purity and hence historically, women made their supreme sacrifice on Agni because it can absorb anything on this planet. During wars, a similar practice was followed by Rajputs popularly known as Jauhar.

Although enacted under society’s pressure or even voluntarily, these social evils were soon abolished and outlawed in order to preserve a woman’s basic rights. All thanks to the great reformers like Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar, Raja Ram Mohan Roy.

The era has elapsed. Sati was banned, but does a widow get all her rights ‘sati-sfied’, as a woman?? As mentioned kuch nahi badla hai, even today with the physical death of a husband, a wife unwillingly is bound to undergo social death. In some families, people even consider her as a burden to look after, as she has no specific person to be looked upon. Even if she is educated and self-sustained, a widow falls under the oppressed and abandoned part of society. 

How many widows around us have been easily accepted in the new families? Even if the Widows’ Remarriage Act is legal in all jurisdictions of India, her acceptance in the society is forbidden.  

Seeing the darker face of our society is even blunt. To quote a few examples, which I have witnessed, her presence is exempted from all the auspicious occasions. After marriage, a woman is treated as a ‘Laxmi’ of a family, but after her husband’s demise, the same family avoids her for all the religious ceremonies. Even her shadow is considered ominous. A mother who raises her daughter with all her care and love is questioned while performing kanya-daan. She is asked to maintain distance during the rituals and is treated un-respectfully as compared to other ‘suhagan’ ladies.

The situation is even worse for the young widows! Many a time, she is held responsible for her husband’s death. Being single, to be precise without ‘her man’, she falls prey to human beasts and is tagged as ‘characterless’. If she gives away all her materialistic possessions, she is called ‘bechari’, on contrary, if she is independent and boldly accepts her cursed life then she is taunted with remarks like ‘bade pankh nikal aaye hai’.  

Are we not being sinful? Are we not going against our ‘dharma’ by hurting her in such an offensive way?

We talk wonders about remarriage! Up to a certain extent, we do see divorcees settling in their new life. But how many widows around us have been easily accepted in the new families? We can never gauge the pain of the parents of a young widow who wishes to resettle their daughter. They are wounded with comments from our society like, ‘kaun apne bete ko iss aag me dhakelna chahega’. Even if the Widows’ Remarriage Act is legal in all jurisdictions of India, her acceptance in the society is forbidden due to the fear of passing on the ‘bad luck’ to the next man she gets associated with. Why does her acceptance as a woman vanish away the moment she loses her husband? Why is she not respected as an individual? With all these practices we forget about the pain of incompleteness and we pour in more pain and rejection in the emptiness of her life. Are we not being sinful? Are we not going against our dharma by hurting her in such an offensive way?

At one end we see our history depicting evil customs followed with respect to a widow, but on contrary, we can not forget the iconic women in our great Indian history. Starting from Maharani Tarabai Bhonsle, the regent of the Maratha empire single-handedly directed the Maratha resistance against the massive army of Aurangzeb, after the death of her husband Raja Ram Bhonsle. She was the only lady who took over six provinces of the Mughal Empire. In 1824, Kittur Rani Chennamma of Karnataka, stood all alone after her husband’s death against the British Empire. In 1550, Rani Durgavati of Gondwana successfully ran the Gond dynasty, after the passing away of her husband. In 1754, Ahilyabai Holkar the most remarkable, saintly, and brave woman ruled the kingdom of Indore. Manikarnika, fondly remembered as Jhansi ki Rani is an immortal figure who has been inspiring we Indians since 1857. And the list continues. These are just a few examples of marvelous widows who stood against the stereotypes in society. So, why this positive part of Indian history is not taught to us, which indeed are lessons for life!

Having such exemplary examples in our own Bharat Bhoomi, from about 500 years ago, why can’t we see such an indomitable spirit in every single woman who is fighting against these crude laws of society. There is a very famous phrase “Behind every successful man there is a woman”. But lest we forget behind the most remarkable woman, Ahilyabai Holkar, it was her father, her husband, and her father-in-law. 

After losing a husband, a woman is already facing turbulence in her life, undergoes mental trauma, thousands of questions dwell inside her with respect to her future, worried about being a mother and a father at the same time for her kids. Balancing the burdens of domestic work and her struggle in her professional work to meet her financial needs. Regardless of these hardships, instead of lending her a helping hand, we trap her in the cage of social rejections and hurt her knowingly. Had we accepted her with reality, she would have soared heights and achieved great success in her life.

Is there a particular reason that holds us back for treating her differently, or are we just blindly stuck to society’s stigma? 

According to ‘dharma’, the time of death is governed by the ‘karma’ of a living being and when the accounts of karma are balanced with equal debits and credits, death takes place. Then why is she blamed for her husband’s death? While going through many incidents and experiencing lots of struggles, thoughts arose in my mind that what would happen if she is treated as a normal part of the society? Would that alter someone else’s life? Or rather made her life easier to live between us?

Is there a particular reason that holds us back for treating her differently, or are we just blindly stuck to society’s stigma? Let’s treat her equally, and take a step towards the change. The change with respect to society is never easy. But definitely, we can initiate one. While dealing with such affairs the best way is to analyze by walking in their shoes. 

There is a very famous saying “Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi Bahu thi” which is self-explanatory. In the same context, one should assimilate that along with being a saas or sasur they are parents to a daughter in the family. Their own daughter can be in the same situation and be knocked down similarly. Be it any female role, mother, sister, daughter, a mother-in-law, a sister-in-law; anyone can fall prey to this widow-hood.

It’s believed that widows are inauspicious and they possess a buri nazar. But I feel, if a person lacks something in his life and finds the same with the person next to us, in abundance, we envy them and become greedy for it. Isn’t this an evilish perception? Then why only widows are blamed? Each of us is to be equally blamed for this human mentality.

The only place where widows are bestowed with the highest of honors…….!!!

We have been dwelling in this modern culture, but Alas! Sirf kapde badle hai, lekin soch wahi purani hai ! Surroundings have changed but her acceptance is still neglected. Instead of sticking to this stigma, we should confront it and talk more about it. 

Towards the footnote, I preserve my respect and salute to the war widows who selflessly accept the sacrifice of their man for our Nation’s well-being. And a wholehearted thanks to the Indian Armed Forces for their culture, the only place where widows are bestowed with the highest of honors, in the first place, above all. Imagine the same culture being followed in our society. Beautiful, isn’t it? Let’s pass this culture to our upcoming generations.

After reading this don’t you think she should be treated differently? Yes, indeed! Because she is highly-abled to cope with such challenges that a ‘woman with her man’ might not. Even the goddess Laxmi is worshipped on the Amavasya of Kartik maas. If this darkness is acceptable for worshipping the goddess, then why don’t we accept a woman with the dark truth? God gives us only what we can handle; not everyone is gifted with this power! This makes her extraordinarily Super Woman !!
Salute to this Sampoorna Stree !!